For Grandpa

In Remembrance of Leon Lurie; 26 December 1915 – 15 February 2012

Writing Progress

Apr 012013
 

 

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As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I’ve started writing on Tuesdays.  Here’s how it went.  For the first 2-3 months after Grandpa died, I wrote how sad I was.  And then I started writing how I didn’t have anything to write, “nothing to say, finally time to write and no words, what is there to say that hasn’t been said?.” Pages like this, interrupted by tea breaks and checking email.  Then I decided to cheat and started writing emails.  This turned out to be not so much cheating as a way to process, grieve and connect deeply with Grandpa’s true love.  Instead of Skyping Grandpa I sent weekly email’s to the woman he loved and finally, after months of that my desire to write fiction returned.

This was renewed desire, pretty close to one year after Grandpa’s death, was especially sweet because I have to admit, I’d been toying with the idea of a self help book for a while…. and I was none too pleased about that idea.  Not only because Grandpa hated them, but because I wasn’t really sure that there was anything worth saying that hadn’t already been said in that format.

I certainly have lots of helpful advice about health and obviously don’t mind writing and talking about it, but do we really need one more book on how to be happy fulfilled thin smart successful healthy etc etc etc?CIMG1058

So it was with some amount of moral fortitude that discovered a novel idea waiting to be written.  I won’t tell you about it; I think that might ruin me for the writing of it.  But I did want to mention Scrivner, for all of you who also have the notion of being a writer.

Here’s the link:

http://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener.php

I’ll let you look if you are interested but here’s the real update on my writing process:

It begins with an idea, but there are many steps in between this idea and a manuscript.  Just like the winter weeds though, and the cliched journey up the mountain, it begins with one.  One step, one weed, one word on the computer.  And one word becomes one outline for one scene and that one outline becomes one chapter, with many single words put together.

I don’t really mind that I don’t have time.  If I pull weeds, or shovel dirt or write one sentence and then I get back to teaching or treating patients or cooking or cleaning or being a mom, and it takes me until all my hairs have grayed, I don’t really mind.  This is my life to fill and in which to be fulfilled.  So rather than feeling undone and longing for the completed manuscript, or the landscaped yard, I will be fulfilled by the one weed, the one word, the one day.

 

 April 1, 2013  For Grandpa No Responses »

Thinking of Grandpa

Oct 032012
 

Since my grandfather died in February I have reserved Tuesday mornings for him.  We used to skype every Tuesday and delve deep into our psyche’s or at least tinker in our egos.  We would spend 30 minutes to an hour and then I would get anxious about all the work I had to do or he would get too tired to continue and we would sign off.

Tuesdays have without a doubt been the hardest days for me since I lost him.  So I honor my grief and my grandpa by spending some time writing each Tuesday morning.

Now it has been my dream to be a writer since I was seven and I printed my first short story “Happiness is being Seven.”  My daughter enjoys the book today.  I went on to create a book cover in third grade entitled “The Everything Book.”  I don’t remember what “everything” I intended to put in there.  I went so far as to get a degree in English literature with an Emphasis in Creative writing and finished a few short stories, a screen play and an endless amount of poems. I have never submitted anything anywhere.

Then, because I figured if I started teaching I’d lose my creative energy I went into waitressing full time to support my writing habit.  As you may know, that didn’t go so great and I took a huge detour to become an osteopathic doctor, during which time poems kept coming but I had no real hope of actually writing.

And now I’ve come full circle.  Yes, I am far too busy to be a writer.  I am happily growing vegetables and raising a five year old which means I am up at night often and off to parent teacher meetings.  I of course am also teaching medical students and practicing osteopathy so yes, I am far too busy to be a writer.  But my grandfather died and so now I write on Tuesdays.

In honor of Grandpa Leon

 October 3, 2012  For Grandpa No Responses »

From Leon’s Middle Son

Oct 032012
 

Dad’s Eulogy

As most people know, I’m Paul the middle child of Leon and Julie.  What I wanted to talk about was little about what my Dad was like.  He was really a very unique person with a strong personality.  He was a psychoanalyst and thus was interested in and curious about other people.  He had strong ideas on a large number of subjects.  He was always thinking and trying to figure things out.

The major point that I wanted to make about my Dad was a very substantial change in his personality which took place over the last years of his life.  The occasional fits of negativity gradually disappeared.  He became more thoughtful of others and more considerate, more balanced, more loving, more receptive to other people’s ideas, more appreciative of others, more accommodating and more caring of other people.  All this helped make our relationship fairly friendly and harmonious.  We had some good and at times insightful conversations.  One thing he taught me was to try to think what I wanted to say before I said it.  He also had excellent insight into determining exactly what I meant from what I said.   Sometimes he was even able to tell me things I didn’t even know I meant after I said them.  He was also able to point out inconsistencies in my conversation, which was a reflection of a very logical mind.  My dad did minor in math at college which certainly helped the precision of his thinking process.  As I mentioned, he was always trying to figure out things which was a valuable trait.  He could be unconventional and liked doing things his own way rather than going along with convention.

In my younger years I remember that he enjoyed things like gardening, reading,       music, conversation, gadgets, art and exploring in the car.  He also had a good sense of humor.  He was lively and curious and in his way, serious about life.

I wanted to end by reading short poem I wrote for this occasion:

As the light swallows up the darkness

In the veils of time,

The soul travels through the shadows

To a hallowed goal sublime

And working though his burdens

And trudging through the gloom,

The light intense illumines

The path to final truth;

And gently does life’s lessons

Impress upon the soul,

A glory beyond reflection,

Which surely will make one whole;

And suddenly the fires

Of Love’s profound delight

Releases all our problems

And thus the soul takes flight.

.

 October 3, 2012  For Grandpa No Responses »

Eulogy

Feb 282012
 

Grandpa had a capacity to see people deeply.  He was aware of this and he perfected it.  He saw your flaws and he saw your gifts.  And he was not afraid to tell you all of it.

Grandpa was a source of strength for me – because he listened to me, and because he saw me, and because he spoke truth to me, and because he loved me just as I am.  He encouraged me, and he expected things from me and somehow he convinced me that all of this was because of, and not in spite of who I am.

I don’t know how to hold on to that feeling of being accurately seen.  I don’t know how to find the Truth I felt with him.  Maybe I can’t have those things; maybe that is just one more part of losing Grandpa.

Grandpa had a remarkable capacity for love – the thing about his love, was that he loved what he saw – the defects and the strengths.  He didn’t love me in spite of my stubbornness and perfectionism. He didn’t love me because I was his granddaughter or because I adored him. He loved me because of all of it wrapped up together.

He had learned something I strive for – a true acceptance of how human we are, and though he continued to try to change himself and those around him until he died, he also understood, we are what we are.

To see him with Alice taught me more about love. I know that he softened in his later years and he credited her with this many times.  Alice taught me what love is, he said.”

He was expressive, appreciative and again, honest with her as he was with everyone.  And he listened to her, full of his own opinion but willing to change at the drop of a hat, because he was listening and he knew, even though he was always right, sometimes he wasn’t.

Despite his rough edges, he really wanted to help and to love and he did that for me.

About three weeks ago Grandpa made me promise that I would continue to fearlessly and doggedly look at myself.  I suppose he knew the end was near, and he thought to ask for a commitment from me. I told him I would, and I will.

We come together for weddings and for graduations, barmitzvah’s and for funerals.  We come together when something really important — life changing happens.  At a wedding we make commitments, at a graduation or a bar mitzvah, we are moving forward into a new phase of our adulthood, another kind of commitment.  At a funeral we are faced with unimaginable loss and we will go our separate ways, and have our private grief.

But here is my thought, I will make a commitment today, like at a wedding, and since I don’t have grandpa here any more, this will be also a moment of moving forward into a new kind of adulthood. I will try to find what he gave me, inside myself.

In honor of grandpa, I will commit to take on the things I learned from him, I invite you to consider the same. Perhaps in this way I can experience some of the gifts he gave me, or in some small way share them with someone else.

Here are some of the things I learned from Grandpa:

Be True

Fearlessly and tirelessly examine yourself

Make Change

Believe in what you know, and know it is not true

Enjoy your tea while it is hot

Indulge in any sweet offered to you – if you like it

Never keep a gift you don’t want

Tell the truth, know you might be lying

Cook with butter

Get outside if you are able, somewhere beautiful

If you can’t, make sure the view from your couch is nothing short of stunning

Surround yourself with friends be sure that some of them admire you

If they don’t charm them until they do

Be skeptical but try it anyway

Listen well

Be your own harshest critic

Be your own greatest fan

Learn that love matters

Have meaningful conversations

Own your gifts

Know your limitations

Accept nothing less than what you asked for

Ask for what you want

Engage your mind, engage your mind, engage your mind

I will commit to owning my weaknesses and my strengths, to speak the truth, to listen well, and to change. Perhaps as I continue to grow, I will wisen as, Grandpa did, mellow with love, as Grandpa did, and be a friend and a confidant, a source of inspiration and of hope.

I will see and love deeply those around me and I will enjoy my tea while it is hot.

 February 28, 2012  For Grandpa 2 Responses »